Every day we are lied to from 10 to 200 times. Most of these lies are harmless, but some episodes can be very unpleasant and even dangerous.
Everything you need to know about the psychology of a liar is in the author’s column of coach and mentor Ekaterina Kalchenko.
I have put together a few techniques that, in the course of a simple conversation, will help you figure out whether a person is lying to you or not.
Psychologist Paul Ekman claims that anyone can learn to recognize a lie as well as a polygraph if it takes 32 hours of special training. But even such a serious preparation will not give you one hundred percent guarantees. And there is a very simple reason for this – we are all different. There is no single body language and, therefore, some general table of signs of a lie.
Pop psychology has taught people that there are special signs by which to identify lies, but I think this is a very dangerous and harmful way. Everyone hangs noodles on their ears in their own unique way, although general trends still exist – we figure out what signals distinguish a liar and how to work with them.
Look for “red flags”
To begin with, let’s look at the most obvious signs of a lie – the so-called “red flags”.
- Before answering, the person repeats the question.
- Vague, very general narrative.
- A person gets confused in the details if you ask clarifying questions.
- Trembling or changing voice.
- Deliberately bored behavior or posture.
- There are a lot of details that no one asked about.
- Instinctively covers sensitive parts of the body – throat, stomach, head.
- It stands “pillar”, does not change its position.
- Difficult speech.
- Hands in pockets.
If your interlocutor shows several of these signs, then you can say with confidence that something is unclean here. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is intentionally misrepresenting the facts, but it does mean that the conversation is making them uncomfortable. It is logical to ask: “Why are you so nervous?”.
Assess baseline behavior
Let’s compare two examples:
You (addressing a not very close colleague): – How are you?
Colleague: Fine.
You (addressing your spouse): – How are you?
Husband: Fine.
Will there be a difference between these two “normal”? Colossal!
“Normal” colleagues means to you exactly what it means in the dictionary, but in the second case we are dealing with 50 shades of “normal”. All because you know your husband as flaky, have seen him in different situations and can compare. Therefore, the first piece of advice – if you have a person in front of you whom you do not know very well, and you have a suspicion that he is lying to you, take him away in the direction of a simple secular conversation “about nothing.”
Suppose you suspect that your colleague made a mistake for which you had to take the rap, but he himself denies it. In this case, you can talk about the weather, for example, or ask where he plans to go on vacation. This is necessary in order to assess how a person holds himself in a psychologically comfortable conversation. After that, go to the topic that excites you and watch how his behavior changes (or does not change).
Here’s how to tell if a guy has a snout in the gun.
- Microexpression
Microexpressions are facial expressions that last less than 1/25th of a second. The fact is that when a person lies, his brain activity increases, so he involuntarily begins to make barely noticeable movements. This can be frequent blinking, twitching of the nostrils, scratching, movement of the eyebrows, a shifty look, a sharp turn of the head at the moment of the question – in general, any “nervous” movement. These expressions only give out that a person hides his emotions – perhaps he does not want to “sleep” on a lie, or maybe he just likes you.
- Increasing distance
Psychologists have proven that when a person lies, he tries to increase the distance between himself and his lie. This manifests itself at all levels. From the visible physical manifestations, this can be a step back, a turn to the side, crossed arms, any closed posture. In speech, this manifests itself in the fact that a person, as it were, removes himself from the story – almost does not use “I”, shifts the focus to others – draws an invisible line between himself and the subject of his lie.
As an example of such behavior, Bill Clinton’s speech after the scandal with Monica Lewinsky is often recalled . Then he said: “I declare once again: I did not have sexual relations with this woman, Ms. Lewinsky. ” Do you feel? ” This woman, some woman, nobody.” Well, well, Bill, tell me.
- Suspicious posture and gestures
The liar unconsciously wants to shrink, to be drawn into himself, as if to become smaller. He can also hide his hands, fiddle with something, shrug his shoulders or reproduce the “I don’t know” gesture, fidget in place.
- Reservations
You can have different attitudes to the famous theory of Freudian reservations, but there is some truth in this. The so-called erroneous actions are the most truthful because they are not mind controlled and communicate what a person would not want to say out loud (for example, when Ross from the TV series “Friends” does not say the name of his bride, but “Rachel” at the altar ). Catch these momentary breakdowns – this way you can understand not only that a person is lying, but also hear the truth.
Important advice: do not draw conclusions on the basis of a single sign of deception. There should be several of them, and together they should give a strong feeling that the person is insincere and is trying to manipulate you. Also, don’t be afraid to rely on your intuition – you may come across a “professional” liar who will make special efforts to hide his excitement.
For example, instead of a suspiciously shifty look, he can look into your eyes without blinking. He seems to say: “You see, I’m open and honest. Pay attention to how honest I am.” This applies to any human manifestations in general – if a person sticks out something, think about what he compensates for.
- Be open-minded
Have you ever dealt with a morbidly jealous person? If so, then you know that if something seemed to him, it is impossible to dissuade him. He will look for (and find!) irrefutable evidence of betrayal/deceit/betrayal, even if it is 100% the fruit of his fantasies. A person believes what he wants to believe, so try to remain objective.
“Sometimes a banana is just a banana,” Freud used to say. Sometimes a person scratches his nose because he has a runny nose.
