Parents love the younger one more: that story is as old as the world and worn out to the very holes. In this article, we will take a look at how it happened that older children often feel left out and give some advice on how not to turn the older child against the younger ones
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Very often, when a second child appears in the house, the elder begins to feel offended and not needed, because all the care that was previously given only to him is now directed to the newborn. At first, this is normal: parents worry about the baby, try to find a common language with him, take care of him, and so on. But an unhealthy situation begins when the youngest child becomes the only subject in the focus of attention of parents and he begins to get literally everything.
How to help an older child accept a younger one
With the advent of the baby, often the attention of parents is transferred only to the youngest, and it also happens that they completely do not understand how to sit on two chairs and, even if they love both of their children, they cannot break. In order to avoid injustice, it is important to remember:
Family is a team.
It does not happen that only the goalkeeper plays against the entire opposing team. It doesn’t happen that in the office everyone does only one task, and one person does what the rest will throw at him.
What to do at first?
First of all, redistribute responsibilities and time. There are no “male” and “female” duties. The closet breaks once every five years, and everyone wants to eat, drink, live in a clean apartment and wear clean clothes every day without exception.
- Share with your husband evenly time and care for both children. While mom is with the younger, dad is with the older and vice versa.
- Distribute responsibilities around the house, taking into account the age tasks of both children.
- The older child should be asked to help with the younger one, but it should not be his responsibility. He is not a replacement for you and should not be.
In no case should an older child be deprived of meetings with friends, walks, and games, forcing them to sit with a younger child as a free nanny. Or turn into a free servant, loading all the housework. The child cannot fight back, he depends on you, so this attitude is violence in its purest and most vile form.
Some Helpful Tips
- Spend more time together . Go to zoos together, do chores together, watch movies with the whole family, talk, after all!
- Respect personal boundaries . Even if children live in the same room, they should have their own things and their own places. The elder should not take the things of the younger, but the younger should not take the things and toys of the elder for himself. Children don’t have to share everything they don’t want to share.
- Don’t compare and respect identity . All people are different and you yourself would be unpleasant if you were constantly reproached and compared with your best friend.
- Do not judge, but mediate. Resolve conflicts between children without taking sides. The fact that you say that the younger one is more to the right than the older one will not remove the conflict between them, but only develop into a hidden one.
- The same rights and obligations. The elder is not a special person to clean up after the younger.
- Children should not receive benefits “equally”. Everyone should receive something depending on their needs, there should be no “take everything and share” in the family.
Web User stories
“Yesterday, on the playground, I saw a picture that just unsettled me. A little boy, 3 years old, was running around the playground. An older sister, 12-13 years old, was running after him. Their mother was sitting, talking with a friend on a bench. The boy is quite mischievous and climbed onto a small horizontal bar. My sister took it off once, a second, a third time, when one of her friends called out to the girl, the baby climbed up and fell. The scream was all over the place. The mother immediately flew up to her daughter and began to blame her daughter for everything. How bad she is, where her eyes looked, she has only buns on her mind. She drove her home, but she did not say a word to her son, who climbed and did not obey her older sister. The girl ran home in tears, and her mother sat, comforting her son. Honestly, it was already disgusting to look at everything. Is it like that in all families? Is it possible that when the youngest child appears,
“At one time, I obviously and completely unconsciously loved my youngest daughter (son 2 years older) more. Most likely, because she really wanted a girl. Or just because you’re younger. Something like – needs more. Then one day I saw it on a home video: I spoke to them in completely different voices. This amazed me so much! Since then, I have been in control. Now, thank God, I don’t single anyone out.”
“I am the eldest, the younger sister is loved more, it seems to me. I’m almost 22, she’s 20. I always got it for her, such phrases were frequent and still have a place to be: “Well, she’s the youngest!”, “Don’t do this – the youngest takes an example from you”, “Get married faster- it doesn’t matter who, the younger one has already found a groom, but the older one, according to the rules, must marry, ”and so on.”
“I love my youngest daughter because I gave birth to her at an age when she was ripe for motherhood. The eldest son appeared at the age of 19, she did not want to, but she was terribly afraid of abortion. I constantly wanted to walk, but I had to sit with him. Now that I’m 30, I really feel that I love my child, very attached to her and she to me. I also love the older one, but somehow detached. You just need to want a child so that you can love him with all your heart. Well, to be financially secure at the time of his birth, in order to enjoy motherhood, and not think about where to earn money.
“I was beaten for ALL the things my little sister did. This was motivated by the fact that it means that I followed her poorly, played little since she was drawn to pranks. When they picked strawberries in the garden, they first let my sister choose the berries she liked and gave the rest to me. When the wonderful nineties began, there was very little money. If new clothes were bought, then only for her. I studied at the institute and worked part-time, and gave my mother money for a part-time job to the penny.
What do you think? Write your opinion in the comments, or share your story!
