Sexuality and the intimate sphere occupy one of the main places in married life. It is no coincidence that sexual incompatibility (dissatisfaction) between husband and wife is on the list of the most common causes of divorce.
In each case, is the breakup justified, or is it all to blame for the lack of knowledge of the spouses, misunderstanding between them, and the lack of desire to discuss problems in the sexual sphere?
The ideologist of the project “Family in Priority” Victoria Boyarina talked about this with a sexologist, family psychotherapist, and Gestalt therapist Tatyana Slavina.
What is sexual incompatibility and what are its criteria?
Most people consider the main problem in the intimate life of a couple to be sexual disharmony at the biological level, i.e. incompatibility according to the sexual constitution, which includes the sexual temperament, needs, desires, and capabilities of partners. Indeed, sometimes sexual desires may not coincide in a couple, and if one of the partners has higher needs, the second may feel uncomfortable trying to satisfy them.
We often hear that men have higher needs, and women have less, but sometimes this can be due simply to a woman’s dissatisfaction with sex. After all, motivation grows as you get pleasure. And if there is no sexual harmony in a couple, a woman does not get an orgasm, then she will not be motivated to have sex.
However, if a woman has a higher sexual constitution and her needs are stronger, then the situation may be more difficult for the couple. After all, it is physically impossible for a man to have sexual intercourse, without desire, arousal, and as a result of an erection. And for women, in this situation, they came up with an artificial lubricant.
Biology cannot be changed, because a person is born with a certain type of sexual constitution. However, many couples who love each other and are capable of dialogue manage to achieve sexual pleasure and overcome this sexual disharmony. Understanding the needs of each other (and the higher needs for sex of one partner), the spouses go towards each other, and then intimate relationships for a partner with a lower sexual constitution become a way to show love, to a more sexually active spouse, to please him.
This is done without sacrifice, or fear that he will otherwise look for it elsewhere, but out of love for him. Naturally, there is a bonus here, sometimes “appetite comes with eating”, and the desire of the second partner also appears, sexuality and eroticism develop, and both a couple win. And of course, you definitely shouldn’t do something that violates your boundaries. Disharmony appears where there is no love, a desire to correct the situation, and a willingness to discuss and solve emerging problems.
- The second level of sexual disorders – gender-role form – is associated with certain character traits of partners, that is, the psychology of relationships directly affects sex.
Psychologists distinguish between hyperbole and hyperbole behavior. An example of hyper-role behavior is a macho man who knows what is “right” in sex, he is “insensitive” to female manifestations, and proceeds to sexual intercourse without foreplay … Such hyper-masculine behavior does not imply emotional interaction, sex comes down to technique, quantity. Hyper-role behavior in a woman is manifested in the softness of character, dependence on a man, in sex she obeys, she cannot tell a man about her desires …
Another form of gender-role maladjustment is the transformation of gender-role behavior: for example, hyper-masculine women and feminine men. In a couple, she can rigidly demand sex from a partner, and speak unflatteringly, and critically about his male abilities and capabilities. A man, who is very soft and emotional, will react painfully to his wife’s statements and experience emotional discomfort, self-doubt, and fear of sexual intercourse, which can lead to the formation of sexual dysfunction. However, problems do not necessarily arise in such a tandem – it can be a wonderful couple who achieves pleasure in sex by practicing a variety of erotic games.
- The third form of sexual maladjustment is communicative – that is, a violation at the level of communication, and difficulties in interpersonal interaction. It is difficult for partners with related disorders to communicate not only in sex but in general to talk to each other. Constant family conflicts, and the inability to voice their desires, understand and hear each other negatively affect the sexual sphere
- The fourth form of marital disharmony is sexual-erotic. Each person in their sexual life has their own range of acceptability – a clear awareness of acceptable forms of sexual behavior, which includes ideas about how, with whom, how much when to have sex. These ranges for spouses may not coincide. For example, a woman wants to receive foreplay from her husband, and he considers this an excess. The motivation for sex is also of great importance in intimate relationships: one enters into sex to relieve tension, for another, intimacy is creativity, play, and space for love. Sexual-Sexual-erotic disharmonyerotic disharmony is often formed on the basis of a violation of communication in a couple. Hiding, and hushing up problems in bed gradually lead to dissatisfaction, lack of desire to have sex, and cause disgust for it.
the sociocultural form is also a very significant moment in intimate relationships. Representatives of different cultures have different attitudes towards love and the opposite sex, views on courtship scenarios, sexuality education, sexual morality, norms and deviations, role behavior, etc. For example, in a patriarchal culture, a man is the head of the family: as he said, so be it, a woman is required to submit. In a liberal culture, there is a tolerant attitude towards sexual norms, and freedom in relationships is proclaimed. But even here there are some difficulties: if everything is possible for everyone, is it so valuable, and what can it lead to? The type of sexual culture is formed in the parental family and can cause a violation of the sexual health of a person in a couple.
With all these forms of sexual incompatibility, very often couples adapt through intimacy, love, and other joys in a relationship. And if spouses with initially good sexual compatibility do not have emotional intimacy, the value of relationships, love and affection, then against the background of mutual claims, quarrels and unjustified expectations, over time, sexual harmony will not be so important in relationships. Only on good sex, marital relations are also not built.
How can spouses determine that they have a healthy, harmonious sexual relationship?
There is a concept of the sexual norm. It is very extensive, it is interpreted from several sides: the biological norm, how the meaning of sex with reproductive function is explained, that is, sex between a man and a woman. The age norm is a man at a younger and older age can do different things, just like a woman, young and more mature and experienced, has different opportunities. And of course, the partner norm, what is suitable for a couple.
The criteria for a partner norm are as follows: pairing (two people participate in sex), heterosexuality (today it is not mandatory and the only possible one) and sexual maturity of partners, voluntary sexual intercourse, the absence of moral, psychological, and physical damage to health – one’s own and one’s partner, as well as the desire for mutual enjoyment. This interpretation leaves many opportunities and variability in the interaction of partners.
For spouses, an indicator of the presence or absence of sexual disorders is the degree of satisfaction with both of their intimate spheres. And in this sense, exceptions only confirm the rules. For example, couples built on the relationship of a woman-“mother” and a man-“son” or a man-“father” and a woman-“daughter” are perfectly combined in their duality, where one partner is aggressive (i.e. active), and the second is passively subordinate. They are good together – and this is the main thing.
Note: we are talking about adult sexual relations! Behind them is always a conscious choice of each of the partners, how he manifests himself in sex, what he wants to get in his sexual life, what is valuable and important for him, what he can bring to sexual relations, etc.
What are the main reasons for the appearance of sexual incompatibility in a couple where the husband and wife love each other but are not satisfied with each other as lovers?
It’s a paradox, but sometimes for spouses, great mutual love can become an obstacle to the development of their sexuality in a couple, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Dissatisfaction in intimacy in such unions can form gradually: a woman did not like something in sex – she kept silent so as not to offend her beloved husband; the man wanted to try something in bed, but was afraid to tell his adored wife.
So, with hidden dissatisfaction with the action or inaction of a partner who has not voiced his sexual desire, sexual-erotic disharmony begins in a couple. After all, a man and a woman in their intimacy and sexuality can help each other open up, and this is possible only when they are both sincere in their manifestations. And vice versa, constant everyday conflicts, and unrealistic expectations in a couple create a space in which sexual desire and arousal simply do not appear.
In what cases do partners need the help of specialists to overcome sexual incompatibility?
It is necessary to consult a doctor – a sexologist, urologist, andrologist, and women – a gynecologist and/or endocrinologist – when a problem in sex is associated with a state of physical health.
That is, the couple is faced not just with sexual disharmony, but with sexual dysfunction, and sexual health disorders. In case of sexual dysfunction or sexual disorders, you need to contact a sexopathologist, and then a sexologist-psychologist, because along with the treatment, psychological work related to the restoration of sexual function will also be required.
The sexologist will conduct an examination, if necessary, prescribe medications, and prescribe additional examinations, and tests that will help identify the true causes of sexual health disorders. Having recognized the problem, the doctor will be able to establish ways to solve it.
If we are talking about a violation of communication in a couple, sexual and erotic maladjustment, that is, a violation of sexual behavior in a couple, gender-role behavior, or a sociocultural difference in perception, against which difficulties in sex appear, then they are being treated by a sexologist-psychologist.
This specialist understands the basics of sexuality and has the psychological knowledge and tools to solve these problems. For example, a woman with anorgasmia resulting from a communication breakdown is taught to value herself and her desires, to understand them and communicate them to her partner, and to feel her body.
A sexologist essentially teaches how to achieve pleasure in sex: he can also recommend excellent techniques, and postures, help you choose the method of stimulation, etc. Thus, the doctor provides medical care for somatic diseases, and dysfunctions that appear on the basis of a health disorder, and the psychologist works to overcome sexual disorders associated with the psychology of relationships.
A woman and a man can cope with a sexual problem on their own, but first, they need to understand what sphere of partnership she is from, what caused it: the complexity of communication, certain personality traits that go into conflict, sexual-erotic maladaptation, or the reason lies in cultural differences and beliefs? Having been consulted by a sexologist and, together with a specialist, having determined the source of the problems, the spouses get an idea in which direction they should move. If they follow the recommendations of a sexologist, 2-3 consultations are enough to overcome disharmony, especially if you turn to a specialist at the initial stage of the problem, without bringing the relationship into conflict or their complete failure.
Can sexual incompatibility arise in spouses who have lived together for more than one year and up to a certain point were satisfied with their intimate relationship?
Undoubtedly. It has to do with the biological component of sexuality. The peak of sexual activity in a man falls at the age of 20-25 years, then the level of testosterone in the body begins to slowly decline. At a more mature age, this happens faster, especially if a managed 35-45 reduces the number of sexual contacts. This is also facilitated by an unhealthy lifestyle, health problems, stress at work, etc.
In women, on the contrary, at a young age, sexuality is just beginning to take shape. The peak of a woman’s sexual activity falls at the age of 35-45 years. With such a discrepancy, of course, difficulties can arise. The appearance of problems in the sexual sphere is also caused by the appearance of violations in one of the partners, sex is paired, and often problems that begin with one partner can lead to problems with the other. For example, premature ejaculation in a man can lead to an absence or difficulty in orgasm in a woman.
Is it worth considering sexual incompatibility a sufficient reason for breaking up a relationship? In which cases?
The reason for divorce is most often the biological incompatibility of partners. For example, if a woman has a strong sexual constitution and a high need for sex, while not receiving sexual satisfaction, she feels physically unwell, develops congestion and inflammation in the pelvic organs, and has psychosomatic disorders. But her husband, a man with a low need for sex, does not satisfy his wife – he refuses her sex because he “does not want”, and does not try to please her … Such a couple should get divorced, because the spouses also have an “aggravating circumstance” – they have no dialogue.
What new “horizons” for happiness in the intimate territory can a couple discover for themselves within the framework of an already existing marriage? What psychological attitudes will help spouses achieve a complete understanding of sex?
In order for sex to become a space for love for both, it is very important for everyone to understand, know and feel themselves and their body, know its capabilities and develop them. I advise everyone:
- Explore your sexuality, your body, and its possibilities. Find out what pleasure it can give, especially to women. They sometimes do not know how the body can respond to touch, because there are erogenous zones that are not associated with the genital area; how much caresses of the body can turn on excitement, and give an orgasm; they do not know the possibilities of all the magical points of the genital area …
To explore the sensitivity of her genitals (not masturbation) for what and how she likes, a woman can herself, and then with a partner. They can turn the evening into a series of caresses: she touches him, just doing a massage, then he touches her … This will give the couple special sensations and states, and add variety to the relationship. If you do this from time to time for a month, the responsiveness of the body changes very much – it becomes more sensitive.
- Experiment and add a novelty effect. Introduce a rule – once a month to try something new: a pose, a type of stimulation, a sex toy … For temperamental couples – twice a month. And alternate – one time the husband comes up with, the other time – the wife. When both thoughts begin to revolve around sex, when new ideas arise, married life is filled with fantasies, desires, and sex!
- Talk to each other about sex and sexuality. Not during sex and not at the moment when something went wrong. Many are afraid, ashamed to discuss their intimate life because they don’t want to offend their partner, “fail” into criticism, turn to reproaches … My advice: don’t talk about what’s bad, but about what you liked, what was good. If it is difficult to talk about sex, read books on the topic, watch erotic films together, and then discuss them.
The basic mindset for spouses looking to “broaden their horizons” is intimacy, and being able to speak and hear your partner is a skill that can be trained. Take R. Sternberg’s “Three-Component Theory of Love” as a basis. In it, perfect love is considered only in a harmonious combination of intimacy as an emotional component, passion as a motivating component, and commitment as a cognitive component of relationships. Spouses need intimacy so that they can speak and hear each other’s desires, passion is generated by experiments, liveliness, and freedom of expression, and commitment means that everyone decides to be with their spouse, maintain, develop and improve relationships, primarily sexually.
Sex is one of the most powerful and vibrant spaces of enjoyment in a person’s life. This is not just actions and techniques – this is an absolutely amazing process of interaction between two loving people. It allows you to get the maximum pleasure from life, provided that the spouses make every effort to achieve mutual pleasure again and again.
